"BOARD" TO DEATH

A parody by James Ian McKenzie.


(Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis are throwing babies out the window. Ted Danson enters.)

Danson: "I have a case for you! Someone's throwing all these babies out the window!"

(Schwartzman and Galifianakis give each other guilty looks.)

Schwartzman: "Uh.... before I reply to what you said I must answer my phone. It's, uh, Ted Danson."

Danson: "I'm Ted Danson!"

Schwartzman: "No, the other Ted Danson."

Danson: "Who's that...???"

Schwartzman: "I met him at the... uh... the moon."

Danson: "You've not been to the moon!"

Schwartzman: "I went there before you know me. You might say I went many 'moons' ago."

Danson: "Prove it!"

Schwartzman: "I will, after I take this phone call from Joan Jett."

Danson: "Why would she call you?'

Schwartzman: "Because... uh... no, that was a joke! It's actually my friend... Jack... Jackson."

Danson: "Jack Jackson?"

Schwartzman: "You know... Edgar's... niece...?"

Danson: "Who's Edgar?"

Schwartzman: "You know... the guy who invented the telephone."

Danson: "That was Alexander Graham Bell."

Schwartzman: "Did I say the telephone? I meant... corn."

Danson: "Nobody invented corn."

Schwartzman: "Tell him that! Ha ha ha... okay, now I need to get to my appointment."

Danson: "Appointment? I thought you had to answer the phone!"

Schwartzman: "Oh! You got me! Now, where's all that money you promised me earlier!"

Danson: "What??"

Schwartzman: "You promised me ten thousand... I mean one million dollars."

Danson: "When did I promise you that?"

Schwartzman: "Oh, a few weeks ago. You must have forgot."

Danson: "I didn't forget! That never happened!"

Schwartzman: "Everyone forgets."

Danson: "I wouldn't forget something so important!"

Schwartzman: "Oh yeah? Well... what year is it?"

Danson: "2011."

Schwartzman: "Wrong! It's... uh, 1766!"

Danson: "No it's not! Why is all this technology around then?"

Schwartzman: "There's no such thing as technology yet! You're losing your mind! You're seeing things. Like this computer here. It's just a hallucination!"

Danson: "Then why can you see it?"

Schwartzman: "What are you even saying? I can't understand because I'm... French."

Danson: "What?"

Schwartzman: "We're all in France all of a sudden!"

Danson: "No we're not! Why are you saying these things?"

Schwartzman: "Oh no, look, there's a big... eclipse outside! I better run away so I can have a look at it!"

Danson: "What?? ...wait, did you throw the babies out the window?"

Schwartzman: "What you say? I only know French! Bonjour! Oui madam! Goodbye!"

(Schwartzman runs away.)

Danson: "Hmm."