30-11-11

Suicide doesn't make any sense. People who consider suicide do so only because they're thinking about it in the wrong way.

Depressed people want their suffering to end. Suicide makes sense as a solution because suicide will end their suffering. But depressed people don't really want their suffering to end. What they really want is for their unhappiness to change into happiness.

Imagine that you're at school. You don't want to get bad grades, so to make sure of this, you drop out. You definitely won't get bad grades if you get no grades at all.

It does technically solve the problem, but only because the problem was ill-defined. It wasn't that you didn't want to get bad grades: it was really that you wanted to get good grades. Suddenly, it becomes clear that dropping out of school was not a solution at all. Though it did ensure that you didn't get bad grades, it also prevented you from getting good grades, which is what you really wanted.

To say that depressed people want their suffering to end is wrong. What they really want is for their unhappiness to turn into happiness. When you think about it this way, you realize that suicide will not help them get what they want at all. They misunderstand their own problem. The language itself is the source of the confusion.

NEW SONG DAY

I re-wrote Walking Distance, for anyone interested.

http://soundcloud.com/mister-cheech/walking-distance

28-11-11

I took today off work. I need time alone. I hate work. I can't do it any more. I can't tell you what it's like because you'll never believe me. Everyone thinks that I should stop feeling sorry for myself, but they just don't get it. I used to be like them. I lived it for  sixteen years. It's so different now. I can't explain it. It's like if you saw a color that no one else had ever seen and you then tried to describe it. It's like that.

18/11/11

An interesting email exchange I had.



James,

Just writing to say how much I enjoy your blog. Quick question - should I take up smoking?

- Sandra




Sandra,

I wouldn't, if I were you. Quitting is one of the hardest things you can do.

- James

P.S. Are you hot? If so, send me some pics.



James,

I almost took your advice, but in the end, I wanted to be seen as "cool."

- Sandra

P.S. Pics are attached.



Sandra,

Wow, you're smokin'!

That's a pun.

Though you really shouldn't have taken up the habit, I respect your decision and I agree that cigarettes are cool.

I remember when I started smoking. All the kids at school thought I was the "hot stuff." To illustrate my point, let me tell you about this thing that happened to me in math class.

The teacher asked me for the answer to some problem.

"Hmm..." I wondered, and I furrowed my brow and thought vainly.

Then...

...all the kids began to chant my name.

"James! James! James! James!"

I took heed. I straightened up. I thought more deeply than I'd ever thought. I lit a Marlboro Lite and sucked some sweet smoke down into my lungs. The chanting grew louder and I was in Marlboro land (country?).

"JAMES! JAMES! JAMES! JAMES!" they screamed, like little apes.

The answer came. "X, over 12, plus a million!"

They all cheered.

Oh boy did that take me back...

Anyway.

Great pics. Nice puss. Let's meet.

- James



James,

How about at [address removed], 7pm tomorrow?

- Sandra



Sandra,

Sounds great. See you there.

- James



James,

My head is still spinning! Thank you so much for such a wonderful evening. Let's meet up again!

- Sandra


Sandra,

Let's not, for the following reasons:

1. You are a conniving whore.

2. Your photographs were a scam. You clearly chose your best angles because from other perspectives you are less attractive.

3. You dress like a common slut.

4. I suppose you just "forgot" to mention that your voice has a tinny quality to it.

Don't contact me again.

- James

"BOARD" TO DEATH

A parody by James Ian McKenzie.


(Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis are throwing babies out the window. Ted Danson enters.)

Danson: "I have a case for you! Someone's throwing all these babies out the window!"

(Schwartzman and Galifianakis give each other guilty looks.)

Schwartzman: "Uh.... before I reply to what you said I must answer my phone. It's, uh, Ted Danson."

Danson: "I'm Ted Danson!"

Schwartzman: "No, the other Ted Danson."

Danson: "Who's that...???"

Schwartzman: "I met him at the... uh... the moon."

Danson: "You've not been to the moon!"

Schwartzman: "I went there before you know me. You might say I went many 'moons' ago."

Danson: "Prove it!"

Schwartzman: "I will, after I take this phone call from Joan Jett."

Danson: "Why would she call you?'

Schwartzman: "Because... uh... no, that was a joke! It's actually my friend... Jack... Jackson."

Danson: "Jack Jackson?"

Schwartzman: "You know... Edgar's... niece...?"

Danson: "Who's Edgar?"

Schwartzman: "You know... the guy who invented the telephone."

Danson: "That was Alexander Graham Bell."

Schwartzman: "Did I say the telephone? I meant... corn."

Danson: "Nobody invented corn."

Schwartzman: "Tell him that! Ha ha ha... okay, now I need to get to my appointment."

Danson: "Appointment? I thought you had to answer the phone!"

Schwartzman: "Oh! You got me! Now, where's all that money you promised me earlier!"

Danson: "What??"

Schwartzman: "You promised me ten thousand... I mean one million dollars."

Danson: "When did I promise you that?"

Schwartzman: "Oh, a few weeks ago. You must have forgot."

Danson: "I didn't forget! That never happened!"

Schwartzman: "Everyone forgets."

Danson: "I wouldn't forget something so important!"

Schwartzman: "Oh yeah? Well... what year is it?"

Danson: "2011."

Schwartzman: "Wrong! It's... uh, 1766!"

Danson: "No it's not! Why is all this technology around then?"

Schwartzman: "There's no such thing as technology yet! You're losing your mind! You're seeing things. Like this computer here. It's just a hallucination!"

Danson: "Then why can you see it?"

Schwartzman: "What are you even saying? I can't understand because I'm... French."

Danson: "What?"

Schwartzman: "We're all in France all of a sudden!"

Danson: "No we're not! Why are you saying these things?"

Schwartzman: "Oh no, look, there's a big... eclipse outside! I better run away so I can have a look at it!"

Danson: "What?? ...wait, did you throw the babies out the window?"

Schwartzman: "What you say? I only know French! Bonjour! Oui madam! Goodbye!"

(Schwartzman runs away.)

Danson: "Hmm."