ROCK STAR

I can't get used to the penthouse view. It's so far down.

I've been here three nights and already the room smells like cigarettes.

HEY YOU MILLIONARES

After the concert I get drunk with the band and fall asleep in their hotel room which is smaller than mine.

SUNDAY MORNING

A woman is half naked on the couch. I have no memory of her. She is either ugly or older than thirty. Derek is nowhere to be seen. Derek is the bassist.

I stumble into the bathroom. My eyes are bloodshot and what once was stubble has become wild. I shave and shower. I look even worse now that I'm not filthy.

WORK WILL SET YOU FREE

I'm in the studio playing 80 Proof for the twentieth or so time. Derek the bassist did not show up. The drummer is getting sloppy, as am I.

We finish the song and the producer tells me that Letters to Magazines is too similar to a recent hit and we're going to have to cut it. I'm too hungover to object. I tell him it's fine and make a mental note to find a new song.

PINSTRIPE TALE

I just fucked someone. She fell asleep midway through the sex. She looks young. I'm drunkenly thinking about Roman Polanski.

THE COMIC

Mike is on the bed strumming a guitar. We're in my hotel room.

"I need a song." I say.

"You want one of mine?"

"Yeah."

WAIT FIVE MINUTES AND THEN SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FACE

The new bassist thinks he's Flea. He resembles Flea also. He may actually be Flea.

SHOW ME MARY

We're clubbing. I'm talking to a girl. It's very loud. It's hard to hear.

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"MARY!"

"WHAT?"

"MARY!"

"MEREDITH! HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

"FOURTEEN!"

"WHAT?"

"FOURTEEEEN!"

OOH SHE'S GOT A BODY UNDER THAT SHIRT

I'm talking to Mike on the phone.

"I met a girl last week. She's the one, man. Her name is Mary Julien. That's a hot name, I think. She is touring with us."

"Oh, the girl from the news. Her parents were crying."

"I heard about that. I'm trying not to think about it."

ALL THAT'S MISSING IS A LISP

The new bassist is gay and has fucked my gay guitarist. I miss Derek.

GOD LOVES HIS CHILDREN, YEAH

I'm reading reviews of the new album. "Remniscent of Aerosmith," they say. "The verse of Can't Get None is also the chorus of Starstruck," they say.

THERE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE ONLY ONE

Mary is asleep. I sneak out the hotel room. The band and I go to Seattle.